Hihi
Here is a question that would make an interesting conversation:
It's my BF's birthday and I am stuck between getting him porn (to watch with him) or sexy lingerie. Please help dear Aunty Agony!
...
Later
Horny Lady
Hi there Lady. Thank you for your question, I think it is a brilliant one and will gladly offer some advice, we like forward thinking women in the
Evilsod community who clearly understand the importance of getting it right at birthday time.
Getting your boyfriend a birthday present is one of those things in life where everyone wins. You get to shop your little ass off and he actually gets to reap the benefit, other than seeing you parade a new handbag around or show off your new make-up bag. At the heart of it, your average male is a basic specimen. As long as you keep the three fundamental key utilisation pressure points (FuKUPPs) in check, you will have a happy man and a successful birthday period. Some men have more than three, but the knowledgeable among us call them ‘homosexual’.
I don’t want to deviate from the question or elaborate too much on the FuKUPPs but some excellent advice I can offer for free is this – keep his stomach full and his nutsack empty. That takes care of the two key FuKUPPs, the third is usually a combination of either sport, Xbox, or something outdoors-ey like fishing, hiking, loosening /tightening a bolt in his car’s engine (or motorcycle for the really manly) – sometimes it’s is just sitting on the couch drinking a beer.
We are excited in seeing your willingness to be nice to your boyfriend but rather disappointed in your limited view on how to achieve this. Let me remind you of FuKUPP #1: “The emtpy nutsack”. The two options you have chosen are great at achieving #1, and #1 only. This might be fine for some males but the knowledgeable among us call them ‘neanderthals’. No. The male of the modern day and age is a lot more cultured and higher maintenance than that. Also, would you be a very successful student if your main aim in life was to achieve a 33% success rate? I think not. Why not try for 3/3 and stimulate the complicated, sophisticated yet appreciative male in your life.
So, in your quest to become an A+ student, let’s go for a full house!
Here at ES we also strive for a bit more than just average, getting your BF some porn isn’t exactly going to cut it. Unless your boyfriend keeps clicking on the “I’m younger than 18” banner he already has a hefty porn collection going. No amount of store-bought DVD pornography fun can compete with the average male’s secret HDD stash of Gigabytes and Gigabytes of scattered tits and labia. What you need to do is find out exactly what kind of sick and twisted, disgusting, tentacle-rape, Japanese-Moroccan, zombie-corpse necrophilia porn your boyfriend enjoys fapping to.
Once you have done this little bit of investigative work, you can proceed to order the appropriate attire for the evening’s festivities. Note that I am including both of your options even though the ‘attire’ may not be as common as ‘sexy lingerie’, we are well on our way to achieving a golden star for FuKUPP #1. #2 Requires the least amount of effort. I suggest a steak. Medium. Chili sauce. Beer. Unless you boyfriend is actually a girlfriend, you have just scored a Cum Laude for Post Graduate Dietary Requirements in the Household. Well done.
#3 is tricky. This is where you are allowed some feminine freedom, I suppose. Or something. If your boyfriend plays Xbox buy him a game or something, I’d suggest something where he can shoot things in the head, race against other things or score goals against things.
More importantly, you have done so much to make your boyfriend’s birthday great, it would be terrible to drop the ball now. Like most sports, the important bit is in the follow-through. Don’t do that whole ‘surprise’ thing you women always love doing. Tell your man you are going to watch his favourite porn with him while dressed as his favourite porn character (I realise this can either be possible, or not possible, depending on the depravity of what you find in his deepest darkest hidden folders). Seeing the joy flow from his face will be payment enough for what you (possibly) will be going through later that night. When you think he cannot get any happier, tell him about the 1kg steak you are busy marinating for him and watch him swoon.
When you guys are nice and snug (and depending on your boyfriend’s wishes, alone) – I suggest that you attempt to emulate your boyfriend’s most favourite part in his most favourite clip of porn. Again, depending on the limitations in place due to science and biology, try to at least do it to the best of your ability. He will appreciate the effort.
